DIARY ENTRY 7: ACCEPTANCE

HELLO MY FRIENDS. I know, I know, it’s been a long time, but are we surprised? No we are not. The excuse this time is that, I started therapy!!! woooooooo; I decided that this year was finally the year that I used my ovaries the right way (LOL).

I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I am happy. I have been working on things that have been holding me back from being myself. I have been working on things that were keeping me from loving my loved ones. I have been working on things that were keeping me from loving myself.

It was scary at first, being so vulnerable, but it has been worth it.

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ANYWAY

Today I wanted to talk to you guys about a homework that my psychologist left me (look at me still doing homework at 25); “a word that I would like to use to describe this year.”

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This year has been about me, in a good way; it has been about learning to trust again.

In my opinion, I was raised with extremely high expectations, and I learned to live with them. However, when my mental health started to deteriorate because of this, instead of letting myself be human and make mistakes I decided to be hard on myself, blame myself for not being good enough (in my eyes).

I only lived for other people; pleasing other people, making them happy, no matter how much it would cost. I did not care how I felt, I only cared about how other people felt and, how they perceived me.

I always belittled myself, and took the blame for everything that went wrong in my life.

“I did not get an A, so that means that “I’m not smart,” so that means that my parents are not proud of me, so that means that they do not love me.”

“My friends treated me differently today, so that means *I* made a mistake, so that means they do not like me, so that means nobody likes me.”

My mental illness made me believe so many things that made me feel worthless, unlovable, imperfect.

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I want to accept that I cannot control everything; that it is ok not to be perfect.

I want to accept that how other people treat me has nothing to do with me, and it has everything to do with them. We are not meant to be liked by everyone and that is just perfectly splendid (I have watched bly manor three times in two months and I cannot stop saying perfectly splendid) (someone help me)

I want to accept that sometimes I cannot give my everything, and that just because of this I should not feel lesser of a person. Finishing something is better than being paralyzed out of fear of not being perfect.

I want to accept that perfection does not exist, and that searching for it is just a waste of time. Searching for perfection has only made me an anxious person, a sad person. Searching for perfection has prevented me from doing things that I have been dying to do out of fear that I am not going to be perfect at them.

I choose the word “acceptance” because I want to be open to accept everything that is living.

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We are all unique and flawed, we were not meant to be perfect. We are meant to make mistakes, fall down, get up, have cracks, be good at things, be bad at things. We are meant to cry and laugh, and learn. We are meant to love and be loved no matter how “good” we are at things. We are meant to accept ourselves just the way we are.

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well, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed this perfectly splendid post, and that you get inspired to find your word (even if it is July).

I hope you have a perfectly splendid day.

Here is my perfectly splendid son.

and my perfectly splendid bitmoji.

Ok, I’m going to stop now.

toodles